Insider 1-11-2011

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in WARMACHINE

I recently had the pleasure of playing my first WARMACHINE game against the ever-patient David “DC” Carl, who put on his demo hat and set up his Cryx army against my Khador battle box force. I wanted ultimate smashiness, though, so I subbed in the Butcher as my warcaster. Asphyxious just grinned from across the field, and the fight was on.

As I look back on the game, I can’t help but notice several life lessons illustrated, not the least of which was something like “Die, noob, die!”* Among the other lessons worth noting were:

1. Every once in a while you shoot yourself (or your friends) in the foot. Get over it.

2. Bonuses are handy!

3. If you wait too long to use your special abilities, you may never get the chance. Then you’ll just be another corpse full of holes and regret.

4. When in doubt, smash something. It might not actually help improve your situation, but it sure is satisfying.

5. Smashing things while sporting an awesome look is even more satisfying.

6. Smashing things can be messy. Be prepared to clean up (or go around the squishy bits).

7. Never underestimate the annoying little guys. Sometimes they have arc nodes, and the boss is watching from the back for a chance to murder your face.

8. If you call your opponent’s bonejacks “poodles,” he’s likely to make them bite you even more.

9. Running from your problems only works if you are luring the enemy into a trap. (Then again, running toward your problems isn’t always the smartest move, either. Go figure.)

And finally:

10. Speak softly, if you must . . . but carry a big hurkin’ axe.

*Entirely my interpretation. DC is as excellent a teacher as he is a formidable foe!