Insider 3-30-2012

A while back, I wrote about gamer lingo and several of the terms that are commonplace to us but are less familiar to non-gamers. You know, little things like the difference between a “figurine” and a “miniature” or RPG as in “role-playing game” not “rocket-propelled grenade.”

I bounced some terms off my “uncle” and his answers were pretty … enlightening. As it turned out, crazy uncle [redacted] recently needed some computer assistance, which was why I hadn’t heard from him for a few weeks. So after a few phone calls to help troubleshoot his email woes, he was able to reply to another list of questions as “payment” for tech support. He mumbled something about penguins wielding “D20 vorpal swords,” and I’m wondering if he has started secretly researching some of this gamer stuff. I did point him toward privateerpress.com, but that was before “the great spambot invasion of Ought Twelve,” and I don’t know if he ever got there.

It bears repeating that the term “uncle” is an honorific in relation to “Uncle Red,” and I am not related to him by blood! (Though I do know him through my dad’s side of the family).

Please define the following:

Animus – Now look, you can’t be makin’ fun of your gram like that. Ain’t her fault she lost her dentures and can’t say her L’s right now. Cats, dogs, elephants, all “animus” now.

Warlock – Oh, now that takes me back. Back before you kids had your video games and stuff we had these things called books, with pages and writing and stuff. You had to read. Smart guy by the name of Steve wrote about a warlock who lived on top of a dirty great mountain that was on fire… Ah, yes, those were the days… you got to choose your adventure back then…

Iosan – I owes an amount of money to Jimmy the Pigeon down at the greyhound track, but don’t tell your auntie...

Menite – Girl, your grammar’s slipping. “I’m a Knight,” not “Me Knight”… anyways, they’d have made you a Lady, not a Knight; you’d have to wear one of them bodice things and pointy hats.

Khadoran – Is that where you drive along and lean out of the car door and smooch someone who’s doing that same? Damn fool business, sounds dangerous as all get out. Don’t let me catch you doin’ that stuff. If you wanna smooch, you do it in private, not in the street. Disgusting.

Orboros – Oh, I’m boring you now, am I? You’re the one asking the questions, and you don’t start a sentence with “or”! I swear, I’m tellin’ your mam to put you in night classes or something.

Trollblood – Trolls don’t have blood, you should know better than that. They don’t have pants either. Always thought that was weird. And all that hair! Pink and green and blue! I swear, you kids today learned far too much from ugly little dolls.

Blight – They used to call England the ole’ Blighty; is it something like that? I can’t keep your modern lingo straight… just pull your damn pants up!

Cryx – Oh, my bones do that now I’m getting older. Creaks and clacks and clicks and that. When I get out of bed in the morning, it sounds like someone spilled a set of dominoes. Scares the willies out of the cat, it does.

Toruk – They tell me the wagon’s got torque… I don’t really understand what that means though. Maybe it’s something to do with the transmission.

Rhul – If you were a Lady, instead of a Knight, you probably wouldn’t get to rule much but needles and thread and stuff. Not very progressive in those days. Nowadays, though, you can do whatever you want, no matter how messy. Speaking of, my knees aren’t what they used to be, and the wagon could use an oil change… did they teach you how to do that in that school of yours?

Transfer – That’s when you get on a bus and they give you a little ticket thing so you can get on a different bus without having to pay the fare twice. If you’re canny about it, you can ride the bus all day long on one fare. Did that once… ended up in Saskatchewan. Your auntie wasn’t impressed when I had to call her to come get me.

Speed Bump – They put new one of them in down the street from Cousin Edna’s place. I was driving over there with your auntie last week. She was eating an ice cream. I didn’t see the bump, and she ended up with rocky road all over her face. Funniest thing I’d seen all day. Sleeping in the spare room that night wasn’t as funny.

POW – Bam! Biff! Wallop! Ah, you kids and your modern superheroes don’t know what you’re talking about. Adam West was a GOD!

Warjack – I never understood this sort of thing. It’s a jack. It lifts your wagon. Why does it need a different name if it was used in the 1940s? Like those Freedom Fries! Do you think they’re any more free just because they’re in this country? They’re still cooked in a wire cage, girl! A cage! Last I heard potato didn’t have a concept of freedom. Just starch, maybe some salt.

Tar pit – That’s where they got all those dinosaurs, right? Sticky stuff. I’ve got no idea how they get it into cigarettes.

Warbeast – They say Hannibal used elephants back in the day. I don’t know. I don’t see Mr. T taking too kindly to elephants. Why would they need elephants? I mean, they had the van, didn’t they?